If you ain't first, you're last

A couple more random thoughts on Mario Kart Wii:

-One of the vehicles you can unlock in the game is a motorcycle shaped like a dolphin. It happens to be the type of bike one leans forward to drive, commonly known as a "crotch rocket." The game also features numerous characters to play as, some of them prominent members of the animal kingdom. Perhaps you see where this is going.

All I'll say is, if you can't appreciate the simple pleasure of watching a monkey humping a dolphin, it's possible you and I are very different people.


-Ann and I enjoy racing against each other, but we've recently decided that the game's team mode, in which you compete as a team with five other computer-controlled players, is definitely the way to go. That way if you lose, you have someone else to blame it on.

Me: Eff you, computer! I would have won the whole damn cup if not for these losers dragging me down!
Ann: You, uh... personally finished eighth in every race.
Me: Stupid team!


-Ann has a tendency to get especially frustrated when her computer teammates aren't performing to their fullest potential.

Ann: Look at that! Your guys got, like, five of the top six spots! What the hell, team?!
Me: Maybe it's a morale problem. They might have moral issues with their leader engaging in bestiality during races.
Ann: Learn to appreciate interspecies erotica and get your heads in the game!

Judgey McJudgeypants

If nothing else, impending parenthood is great for triggering every judgmental bone in your body with regard to other people's children. Frankly, my wife and I were critical of other people's parenting at the best of times, long before we decided to spawn one ourselves... sorry, but if you let your 5-year-old run around with a pair of toy binoculars staring at the crotches of everyone seated around the deck while your 13-year-old walks around in a bikini top and microskirt because Moooom, geez, don't be so uncool, then am I as a reasonable human being expected to heartily endorse your candidacy for Parent of the Year? Exactly. Only if I've been drinking.

But forget all that, because having one on the way yourself takes it to a whole different level. Ann and I attended a birthday party this weekend for the 1-year-old daughter of one of Ann's friends. (As an aside: 85-100% of Ann's close friends are married or in a long-term relationship. 25% of mine are, which makes me feel like the Weird Old Guy when we all get together. It also virtually guarantees that at future gatherings, my teenager will get stuck babysitting between 3-5 youngsters while the adults go get drinks. Sorry, kid.) The party was about what you'd expect, a number of children ranging from 6 months to 5 years motoring around while a bunch of adults talked with each other about parenting and gave Ann and I advice. It was enjoyable, and even though I was convinced I'd hate the stuff, damned if that gluten-free cake wasn't really good. Who knew? But my point (I had one originally, didn't I?) is that a couple of the older kids were, shall we say, less than well behaved. Now, I mean, they're kids... you can't rule them with an iron fist or anything (around strangers). They're going to run around and be rambunctious, that's a given. But I think I draw the line at letting them open the gifts. Sure, the baby has no idea what presents are, she's more interested in the paper, but it's the principle of the thing. You can't totally blame the kids... I mean, they're 4- or 5-year-olds at a baby's birthday party, of course they're going to get bored. But as the parent, you've got to be involved enough to hold them in your lap or something; whatever, just keep them out of the camera angle so I can get pictures of my kid's first birthday party without having to add "...and her cousins/our neighbor's progeny/our friend's kids" to every shot. The birthday girl's mother was extremely graceful about the whole thing, which I give her a ton of credit for, because I'm not sure I could have resisted the urge to say something.

Anyway, Ann and I couldn't stop talking about it afterward, clearly demonstrating that our judgmental meter has migrated from "pretty damn," right on past "uh, you're not perfect either, you know" and all the way to "hyper sensitive, you realize your child won't have ANY friends, right?" Here's hoping we can get it in check before I start administering 6-part written questionnaires to other parents wanting to schedule play dates with our little girl.

Really, I'm thinking just the urine sample should be enough.

More casual comic racism

Just a short post today... frankly, I'm not sure what I could add to this one. To set the stage for you, Pat has been captured by (who else?) pirates who will shoot any whiteys they see, so Terry decides to go undercover by -- you ready for this? -- painting his body with iodine and using adhesive tape to make his eyes slant. Oh, and pinning some hair to his turban that they cut off an actual Chinese guy while he slept. The worst part is that Connie encourages this bullshit with the following ultra-progressive remark: "As one darn clever Chinee to 'nother - you pooty smart feller!" You're a credit to your people, Connie.

Words fail me.

You can picture Jeffy from Family Circus doing the same thing, right? That little scamp.

Always the place you least expect...

My wife and I are the proud owners of a Nintendo Wii. Neither of us much cares that it's not the most powerful system on the market, or that hardcore, "leet" gamers roll their eyes at it... it's the most accessible and overall fun system out there, and if Nintendo can get our parents to tentatively play a game, they're certainly doing something right. In particular, we're both huge fans of the ability to download games from past Nintendo systems- it lets my wife play Wario's Woods and Dr. Mario and all the other puzzle games she holds so dear, and for my part, I can finally beat Castlevania without my mom telling me to shut that damn thing off, it's time for dinner.

But we also like some of the games actually designed for the Wii itself, and the one we've been pining for lately is Mario Kart Wii. The N64 version is far and away the most popular video game I've ever introduced my wife to, and since she's currently pregnant, if it's the Wii version she wants, the Wii version she shall have. Simple, right? You'd think, except Mario Kart Wii is currently sold out everywhere. Ev-ery-where. Over the last week I've visited every Target, Best Buy, Circuit City, Toys R' Us, and even (*shudder*) Wal-Mart near our house and work, trying to find the frickin' thing. Nada. Zilch. A helpful employee of EB Games informed me that there's a huge shortage right now, but that Nintendo is expected to ship more out by late July. That's "late July" as in a month from now. Of course, eBay is teeming with copies, as long as you're willing to pay an extra $20 for the game plus shipping. I'm not, which has left me up the proverbial creek sans visible means of propulsion.

So in the midst of my utter failure to appease my wife's Mario Kart cravings, the other day I visited the campus bookstore to pick up materials for my latest MBA class. And what do you suppose I happened to run across, brazenly sitting there on a shelf? It just stared out at me as if to say, "Well, duh... I don't know why you didn't just come to this repository of textbooks, pencils, and notepads first, instead of visiting all those electronics stores. Fool." I don't know either, but you'd best believe I snatched that bitch up and brought it triumphantly home to my wife, and was rewarded with the biggest, most heartwarming smile you've ever seen in your life. Granted, it lasted exactly 7 minutes, at which point she placed fifth overall and angrily declared she didn't want to play anymore; but mister, that was 7 minutes well worth it. And that's the truth.

Dodging the issue

Here's a question for the class: have you ever been in the position of having to pretend you didn't hear something, just so you could get out of responding to it?

Surprisingly, there's a story behind that question. A few weeks back my sister and I were talking, and she happened to mention that she liked John Cho, who I guess is appearing on Ugly Betty now. Anyway, I nodded and said, "Oh yeah, I remember him... the 'MILF' guy from American Pie." My sister didn't know what I was talking about (youth), but the problem was my mother, who overheard the conversation and asked point blank, "The 'milf' guy? What's a milf?"

So I ask you, friends- what would you have done? I did the only thing I could think of: pretended I hadn't heard her and hastily changed the subject. Thank God she didn't press the issue.

"Well, Mom, y'see, it's when a lady of a certain age..."

Betrayal

I think it's quite unfortunate that my daughter will now never know her father. I mean, God knows I want to be there at the birth of my baby girl, and to be involved in raising her. What father wouldn't? But then last night Ann and I were playing Mario Kart on the Wii, I was in first place and literally about five feet from the finish line... and she nailed me with a blue turtle shell, letting both her and a computer player cross the finish line first. I got third. Third.

Like I said, I'd really like to see my little daughter grow up, but I just don't see how I could be expected to stay with a woman who would do something like that to her husband. I mean, really.

Songs to rock out/rock your baby by

Don't have a lot of time today, so just 2 quick thoughts:

1) As of last Tuesday, it's official: we're having a girl! Ann and I are both thrilled, but of course this brings new complications into the picture, namely my impending need for a gun license. I feel sort of bad for my unborn daughter, because I'm going to be the most overprotective father ever. It'll be a real pain for her when all her high school friends are wearing cute miniskirts and she's stuck in snowpants and a trenchcoat, but c'est la vie.

2) Ann clued me in to this while composing the baby shower registry: they now have "Rockabye!" CDs containing soft, orchestral renditions of songs by classic pop/rock artists. Each one is devoted to a particular artist, and apparently they consist of "soothing instrumental lullaby" versions of that artist's songs. I'll admit it's a cool idea (though I never quite associated Nirvana with calming happy feelings, myself), a way for parents to get their kids to sleep while gleaning a smidgen of enjoyment out of the songs as well. There's a lot of the big names you'd expect: U2, the Beatles, the Stones, Led Zeppelin, even Green Day. My one quibble? No R.E.M.

Hey, I see you rolling your eyes. Yes, I'm a wee bit obsessed. Guilty. And I know, it's been almost two decades since R.E.M. was as popular as U2. It's just that a couple of the bands are ones I wouldn't consider either massively popular or as musically influential. I mean, Coldplay? Bjork? Nothing against those guys, but you'll never convince me they've made as significant a contribution to modern music. Or that the first band you think of when you hear "lullaby" is Radiohead. (If you do, email me, we should get some drinks.) True, there are a ton of other deserving bands that, as of yet, have no lullaby CD either -- Gn'R? Bruce and the E Street Band? -- I just won't count my life as complete if I never get to hear a lullaby version of "It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)." And that will be sad.

Oh well. At the very least, my little girl will now be able to nod off to sleep to the strains of "Inbetween Days." That's worth the price of admission right there.