If you ain't first, you're last

A couple more random thoughts on Mario Kart Wii:

-One of the vehicles you can unlock in the game is a motorcycle shaped like a dolphin. It happens to be the type of bike one leans forward to drive, commonly known as a "crotch rocket." The game also features numerous characters to play as, some of them prominent members of the animal kingdom. Perhaps you see where this is going.

All I'll say is, if you can't appreciate the simple pleasure of watching a monkey humping a dolphin, it's possible you and I are very different people.


-Ann and I enjoy racing against each other, but we've recently decided that the game's team mode, in which you compete as a team with five other computer-controlled players, is definitely the way to go. That way if you lose, you have someone else to blame it on.

Me: Eff you, computer! I would have won the whole damn cup if not for these losers dragging me down!
Ann: You, uh... personally finished eighth in every race.
Me: Stupid team!


-Ann has a tendency to get especially frustrated when her computer teammates aren't performing to their fullest potential.

Ann: Look at that! Your guys got, like, five of the top six spots! What the hell, team?!
Me: Maybe it's a morale problem. They might have moral issues with their leader engaging in bestiality during races.
Ann: Learn to appreciate interspecies erotica and get your heads in the game!

Judgey McJudgeypants

If nothing else, impending parenthood is great for triggering every judgmental bone in your body with regard to other people's children. Frankly, my wife and I were critical of other people's parenting at the best of times, long before we decided to spawn one ourselves... sorry, but if you let your 5-year-old run around with a pair of toy binoculars staring at the crotches of everyone seated around the deck while your 13-year-old walks around in a bikini top and microskirt because Moooom, geez, don't be so uncool, then am I as a reasonable human being expected to heartily endorse your candidacy for Parent of the Year? Exactly. Only if I've been drinking.

But forget all that, because having one on the way yourself takes it to a whole different level. Ann and I attended a birthday party this weekend for the 1-year-old daughter of one of Ann's friends. (As an aside: 85-100% of Ann's close friends are married or in a long-term relationship. 25% of mine are, which makes me feel like the Weird Old Guy when we all get together. It also virtually guarantees that at future gatherings, my teenager will get stuck babysitting between 3-5 youngsters while the adults go get drinks. Sorry, kid.) The party was about what you'd expect, a number of children ranging from 6 months to 5 years motoring around while a bunch of adults talked with each other about parenting and gave Ann and I advice. It was enjoyable, and even though I was convinced I'd hate the stuff, damned if that gluten-free cake wasn't really good. Who knew? But my point (I had one originally, didn't I?) is that a couple of the older kids were, shall we say, less than well behaved. Now, I mean, they're kids... you can't rule them with an iron fist or anything (around strangers). They're going to run around and be rambunctious, that's a given. But I think I draw the line at letting them open the gifts. Sure, the baby has no idea what presents are, she's more interested in the paper, but it's the principle of the thing. You can't totally blame the kids... I mean, they're 4- or 5-year-olds at a baby's birthday party, of course they're going to get bored. But as the parent, you've got to be involved enough to hold them in your lap or something; whatever, just keep them out of the camera angle so I can get pictures of my kid's first birthday party without having to add "...and her cousins/our neighbor's progeny/our friend's kids" to every shot. The birthday girl's mother was extremely graceful about the whole thing, which I give her a ton of credit for, because I'm not sure I could have resisted the urge to say something.

Anyway, Ann and I couldn't stop talking about it afterward, clearly demonstrating that our judgmental meter has migrated from "pretty damn," right on past "uh, you're not perfect either, you know" and all the way to "hyper sensitive, you realize your child won't have ANY friends, right?" Here's hoping we can get it in check before I start administering 6-part written questionnaires to other parents wanting to schedule play dates with our little girl.

Really, I'm thinking just the urine sample should be enough.

More casual comic racism

Just a short post today... frankly, I'm not sure what I could add to this one. To set the stage for you, Pat has been captured by (who else?) pirates who will shoot any whiteys they see, so Terry decides to go undercover by -- you ready for this? -- painting his body with iodine and using adhesive tape to make his eyes slant. Oh, and pinning some hair to his turban that they cut off an actual Chinese guy while he slept. The worst part is that Connie encourages this bullshit with the following ultra-progressive remark: "As one darn clever Chinee to 'nother - you pooty smart feller!" You're a credit to your people, Connie.

Words fail me.

You can picture Jeffy from Family Circus doing the same thing, right? That little scamp.

Always the place you least expect...

My wife and I are the proud owners of a Nintendo Wii. Neither of us much cares that it's not the most powerful system on the market, or that hardcore, "leet" gamers roll their eyes at it... it's the most accessible and overall fun system out there, and if Nintendo can get our parents to tentatively play a game, they're certainly doing something right. In particular, we're both huge fans of the ability to download games from past Nintendo systems- it lets my wife play Wario's Woods and Dr. Mario and all the other puzzle games she holds so dear, and for my part, I can finally beat Castlevania without my mom telling me to shut that damn thing off, it's time for dinner.

But we also like some of the games actually designed for the Wii itself, and the one we've been pining for lately is Mario Kart Wii. The N64 version is far and away the most popular video game I've ever introduced my wife to, and since she's currently pregnant, if it's the Wii version she wants, the Wii version she shall have. Simple, right? You'd think, except Mario Kart Wii is currently sold out everywhere. Ev-ery-where. Over the last week I've visited every Target, Best Buy, Circuit City, Toys R' Us, and even (*shudder*) Wal-Mart near our house and work, trying to find the frickin' thing. Nada. Zilch. A helpful employee of EB Games informed me that there's a huge shortage right now, but that Nintendo is expected to ship more out by late July. That's "late July" as in a month from now. Of course, eBay is teeming with copies, as long as you're willing to pay an extra $20 for the game plus shipping. I'm not, which has left me up the proverbial creek sans visible means of propulsion.

So in the midst of my utter failure to appease my wife's Mario Kart cravings, the other day I visited the campus bookstore to pick up materials for my latest MBA class. And what do you suppose I happened to run across, brazenly sitting there on a shelf? It just stared out at me as if to say, "Well, duh... I don't know why you didn't just come to this repository of textbooks, pencils, and notepads first, instead of visiting all those electronics stores. Fool." I don't know either, but you'd best believe I snatched that bitch up and brought it triumphantly home to my wife, and was rewarded with the biggest, most heartwarming smile you've ever seen in your life. Granted, it lasted exactly 7 minutes, at which point she placed fifth overall and angrily declared she didn't want to play anymore; but mister, that was 7 minutes well worth it. And that's the truth.