The Ass-Tilt

So as long as we're on the subject and everything, here's what's been bugging me: why is it that in movies and TV shows, guys invariably cock their head to the side when looking at a woman's rear? Have you ever noticed that? It never fails - if you need to signify that your male lead is entranced by the hard-to-get love interest's derriere while she sassily struts away, he's invariably gonna do the head tilt. Who determined that was going to be the universal signal for ass gazing? It's reached the point where we don't even think about, we just automatically accept it; I've even found myself (back in my single days, of course, dear) doing the tilt while appreciating, in a completely respectful and non-sexist manner, the keister of a passing girl. I mean woman. I mean womyn. Damn!

Anyway, my point is, I've done the same thing, but then I stop and think: What am I doing? Is a 37 degree neck pivot going to help me more fully appreciate the majesty of these hindquarters? If I get the angle just right, will I spontaneously manifest the ability to see up her skirt, as if by magic? (No.) Or am I just doing it because it's what we always see people doing on TV?

And, of course, the answer is yes. Seriously, why do we do that?

The Law of Inverse Attractiveness

Just recently, a bunch of my former high school classmates have started friending me (and you know we're living in the Internet age when "friend" becomes a perfectly acceptable verb) on Facebook. The reason is obvious: we're coming up on the tenth anniversary of our graduation, so our reunion is being organized and people start getting nostalgic. Perfectly understandable... I'm not sure I'll personally be attending, since it's in November and I'll have a newborn and a barely postpartum wife to contend with, but we'll see. Nevertheless, all this friending has brought to light an interesting phenomenon: almost across the board, those people who were a bit, ah, less than supermodels back in high school have gotten significantly more attractive, while those who were the greatest eye candy back then have generally gotten... well, a bit homelier. Not everyone, of course, but more often than not, and across both genders. Funny how that works, isn't it? Some people who you remember being not exactly knockouts, you now look at their Facebook photos and squint to see whether they've somehow been digitally altered; whereas others you think, "Wow, I used to have a crush on you? I'm embarrassed for both of us." Maybe there's such a thing as karma after all.

(And in case you were wondering, yes, I count myself among those who have improved since high school. Not to say I was completely hideous back then [I hope], but I was deluded into thinking long hair = cool. In reality, long hair might have been, but a quasi-mullet most certainly was not, and adding acne, braces, and oversized clothing into the mix didn't exactly add up to a ladykiller. Now, of course, I'm regularly mistaken for Brad Pitt's younger brother, but it was a rough couple of years there for a while.)

Oh, and if you happen to be one of the people I went to school with, don't worry- you're totally one of the people who've improved since then. Go you!

Guitar Hero: [insert band here]

I just found out a few days ago that they're coming out with Guitar Hero: Aerosmith. That's right, an entire game devoted to Steven Tyler and co. teaching us how to walk this way on our little plastic guitars. (Okay, technically it's 60% Aerosmith, 40% bands who have covered, opened for, or are friends of Aerosmith, like Cheap Trick, Joan Jett, and Run DMC.) That sounds pretty sweet, and the article I read said Aerosmith was one of the top 5 bands that fans said they'd want to see a Guitar Hero game devoted to. Which immediately begs the question, who were the other 4? The article didn't say, but it got me thinking about the wisdom of devoting GH games to other famous bands.


Guitar Hero: The Beatles
The kooky quartet from Liverpool, comprised of two unquestionable creative geniuses and two... other guys who could play their instruments pretty well.
Pros: Hard to argue merit -- with the exception of the King, no one was more instrumental in bringing the sweet rhythms of rock 'n roll to whitey. Probably the most famous band in the world, decades after their break-up.
Cons: Brilliant innovaters though they were, it's difficult to associate the Fab Four with hard rock. No one ever smashed a guitar or flipped off fans during a raw performance of "Yellow Submarine" or "Paperback Writer."
Conclusion: Let it be.


Guitar Hero: The Rolling Stones
The original hard-partying, groupie-groping, substance-abusing rockers in whose footsteps all others must follow. (No, Elvis doesn't count.) Also wrote a few songs here and there.
Pros: A career spanning decades, with a catalog unmatched for pure number of great songs and hits. Also, the respect and admiration of nearly every musician and rock fan in the world.
Cons: Mick Jagger still thinks video games involve eating ghosts while saying "wakka wakka," and Keith Richards might try to smoke the motion capture camera.
Conclusion: Give Mick some satisfaction, this one's a no brainer.


Guitar Hero: Jefferson Starship
They built this city.
Pros: ...
Cons: Entire game consists of one song.
Conclusion: Uh, no.


Guitar Hero: U2
Some nice blokes from Ireland who do a couple songs you might have heard of. Apparently they're starting to get a bit of press outside their native country. Good for them.
Pros: Have been cranking out hits since the early '80s, and every single person on Earth can hum a good 70% of their catalog. Old enough that baby boomers know who they are, yet young people still like their music. Nice combination.
Cons: Save the preaching for Sunday, Churchy LaFemme.
Conclusion: Even people who don't own a video game system would buy a copy. They're just that damn popular.


Guitar Hero: R.E.M.
The band who could make you laugh and make you cry, all while not understanding a single verse. Consistently vie with U2 for "most influential band of the last 25 years" status among serious music fans. Inserted political messages into music when it wasn't the thing to do.
Pros: Not lacking in recognizable tunes, and early albums have plenty of deep but lesser-known songs and B-sides to round out the setlists. Also, they rule.
Cons: Despite plethora of hits, not really mainstream friendly in the way U2 is, which could drive away casual players. Bono = sunglassed and messianic, Michael Stipe = bald and bisexual. Checkmate.
Conclusion: The one I'd love.


Guitar Hero: Automatic Baby
In 1993, members of R.E.M. and U2 joined forces to create Automatic Baby (Automatic For The People + Achtung Baby), performing an acoustic version of "One" at an MTV concert for President Clinton.
Pros: Uh... the indisputable two greatest bands of the '80s teaming up for the purpose of one legendary video game?
Cons: Only ever played one song together. Also, gamers' heads might explode from sheer awesomeness.
Conclusion: Drew's on drugs.

Synchronicity

It's a funny world, isn't it? Not to get faux philosophical or anything (and believe me, faux is the best one semester of Comparative Philosophy allows me to do), but it's strange how random events in your life can intersect in meaningful ways. Last post I talked about how I've been reading Terry and the Pirates lately. To give you slightly more background: Terry is considered one of the seminal comic strips of all time, THE adventure comic in whose path all others follow. In a medium known for cheap one-liners, simplistic artwork, and sanitized romances, creator Milton Caniff changed all that with epic, continuing narratives, incredibly lush, detailed backgrounds, and racy female figures in sexually charged scenarios. Culturally insensitive he might have been (at least early on), but there's a reason Caniff is known as "the Rembrandt of the comic strip"; and while comics may still strive vainly for acceptance by mainstream society, it's impossible to deny the man's talent.


All of which is leading up to what, you ask? Good question. This past weekend Ann and I attended my sister's college graduation. A good time was had by all (followed by a not-quite-so-good time helping her move out of her dorm), and on Sunday night we ended up at the home of one of her friends for dinner. At one point I happened to overhear this friend's father mention the name "Milt Caniff," so I tuned in to hear what he was saying. And, well... what he was saying was that his uncle had been a close friend of Caniff's, to the point where Caniff had done original artwork of some of his Terry and the Pirates characters and given them to the uncle; and he in turn had, upon his passing, bequeathed them to the man in whose house I was standing.


I was floored. What kind of a coincidence is that? Even so, I'll admit I thought, "Well, odds are he's either mistaken, his uncle just TOLD him it was Caniff, or else they're a few quick pencil sketches, barely recognizable as much of anything." Nonetheless, I followed along as he led us into his dining room, the very place where not 20 minutes earlier I'd loaded up my plate with lasagna and breadsticks without once glancing at the walls. And. Oh, my God. Hanging there were 3 of the most beautiful pieces of comic art I've ever seen in my life. Fully colored, amazingly preserved, undoubtedly genuine. I mean, I'm no expert and I certainly couldn't swear on my life, but Caniff has a pretty distinctive style and these definitely looked the part. (One looked quite similar to the image shown below, which I scanned out of the Terry book I'm reading. In fact, I might have thought it was the same if not for the personal message written on this one.) Once I picked my jaw up off the floor, I complimented my amused host about a thousand times on each of the pieces. He seemed to really get a kick out of it, as it sounded like (understandably) most guests to their home didn't recognize just how exceptional the art was or the artist's importance in the history of comics.


But geez, it just goes to show you. Next time you think clunky "coincidences" like that only happen in sitcoms and bad movies, take a look around the room where you're deciding between brownies or cake. You just might be surprised by what you find.

Those wacky, racist '30s

In case the last post didn't make it obvious, I'm kind of a comic nerd. Traditionally that's been comic books (no, I don't think there's anything hopelessly adolescent about misunderstood outcasts gaining superpowers, beating people up, and dating women with gravity-defying chests... why?), but lately I've been drifting more toward classic comic strips -- Peanuts, Popeye and the like. Just recently I started reading Terry and the Pirates, and holy Lord -- would you like to talk about incredibly demeaning stereotypes in popular entertainment?

You would? Great! How about a comic strip -- one that ran in hundreds of newspapers and was read by millions of people, remember -- set in China and in which all the villains are Chinese, as well as Connie, the sidekick of (need I say... white?) heroes Terry and Pat. Every single Chinese character talks with a horribly stereotypical accent, calling Americans "Melicans" and crap like that. Terry and Pat both casually refer to Chinese people as "chinks," and even Connie himself - a Chinese man - calls the villains "dumb chinks." To say nothing of Terry taunting a Chinese thug as a "rice burner" in one strip... I guess racism is okay if it's only directed at bad guys, right? And even though they hire him as their translator, Terry and Pat both treat Connie like their manservant -- at one point they send him to check on an explosion they heard, telling him to fire his gun three times if there's trouble. (Because as everyone knows, two shots of a pistol is nothing to worry about, but three shots... well, that means shit is on.) When Terry dares to voice that maybe they shouldn't have sent Connie alone, Pat offers the ultra-sensitive rationale of "Maybe it's a trap! If we are to be attacked we'll need full strength - and we can spare him better than any of us!"

Oh, can you, Pat? I wonder how Connie feels that his friend would rather have a woman and a prepubescent kid along in a fight instead of him. +10 points for chivalry and gender equality, -500 for casual racism. Of course, the stereotyping isn't limited to the Chinese, thank God, as at one point Terry and Connie spill soot on a criminal, then joke with Pat that he's practicing for his blackface routine. Terry, take a lesson from Ted Danson- not cool, man. Not cool.

In fairness to Milt Caniff, I know that stereotypes were widely accepted back then, and I'm told Connie evolves into a less demeaning stereotype in later strips. But man, that is some funny, incredibly sad shit right there. Hell, it's almost as bad as giving your superhero an Eskimo sidekick and giving him the nickname "Pieface."

Oh, wait...

FCBD '08

Just a quick reminder to everyone that this Saturday, May 3rd is Free Comic Book Day. For those unaware (as in, non-nerds), every year a number of publishers send copies of one or more comic offerings to stores around the country to be given away for free. The goal is to attract new readers, and in that interest the issues are always new reader friendly, not part 5 of a 19 part crossover or whatever. But the real benefit is to you, Young Adult With Nothing Better To Do or Mr. or Mrs. Harried Parent. Need something to keep little Johnny occupied while you get groceries and (it's okay, we won't tell) hit the liquor store? Hey, the price is right!

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Drew," you say, "aren't comic books just adolescent power fantasies about juiced-up steroid freaks invariably solving problems through swift, unflinching violence? Why would I want to/want my kids reading that?" To which I reply: ha! Because come on now, that's really... absolutely correct in 75% of the cases, actually. Maybe 80%. BUT! There are also plenty of age-appropriate offerings for youngsters, and for older audiences a variety of independent comics that have nothing to do with crossdressers hitting each other. I mean, if you're into that. For the kids there'll be offerings of the Simpsons, Archie (which: come on, man. It's Betty, dammit! Screw Veronica, she's only slumming with you to make daddy mad), and Uncle Scrooge, among others. For adults there'll be a bitchin' Hellboy story, some more standard superhero offerings (but good; as you'd expect, the companies try to showcase their best stuff for this), and if I've been really extra nice this year, maybe even something to do with Scott Pilgrim. Probably not, but you never know.

So anyway, that's the scoop. If you're out on Saturday, whether it's with the kids or on your own, stop by your local comic book store: they'll give you at least one free comic, and if you buy something, often more than one. Hard to beat that deal, and you just might find something you end up really liking.