As I've mentioned in the past, I have a real love/hate relationship with the cardio cinema room at the gym. Some days it is my good and loyal friend who makes twenty minutes on the elliptical fly by in no time; other days it maliciously casts me down into a sea of six-month-old economic and motherhood magazines. Just the other day I was privileged enough to watch the closing credits of Swing Kids, followed by eight minutes of the main menu screen for Swing Kids (magnificent in its juxtaposition of imagery), then five minutes of the scene selection screen for Swing Kids (overrated, not a satisfying ending), and finally three minutes of Swing Kids. So it's a real crapshoot. Today I ascended the stairs to find waiting for me... The Shaggy Dog, remade Tim Allen version. Ugh. I almost took a pass, but reasoned that in a couple of years Molly's going to be forcing this kind of movie on me anyway, so I may as well build up a tolerance. So in I went.
Fortunately the movie was just beginning, so I didn't have to worry about missing any of the subtle nuances that provide context to the rest of the film. The stars appear to be Tim "The Tool, Man" Allen, Rob Lowe slumming it in pre-Iron Man days, and as Tim's wife, I'm mostly but not 100% certain one of the chicks from Sex and the City. No, not her, the hot one. I won't embarrass myself by clumsily trying to explain all of the film's layers (some things you just have to experience for yourself), but in the final stages of my workout we came to the part of the movie where Tim Allen does, in fact, begin showing signs of becoming a dog. Thus I was treated to a quick montage of Tim waking up curled at his wife's feet; shaking his body to dry off after a shower; lapping up his cup of coffee; and finally sticking his face into his bowl of cereal to eat. At this point I had to leave because my uproarious laughter was disturbing the other patrons, but with some regret, because Tim had just started getting affectionate with his wife and I was wondering if they would actually show him sniffing her ass. My disappointment at missing out on learning about the finer points of human woman/man turning into a dog relations is tangible, though I imagine it as something in the vein of: "Oh honey, where is this coming from? Mmm, that's good, I love when you lick my neck. Oooh, yes, that feels... wait, what are you doing back- hey! HEY! It is NOT our anniversary, mister!" But such is life.
So in hindsight, not my best move. And also a bit inexplicable, because it's not like Wednesdays are Family Day at Golds Gym, right? I looked around in that darkened room and didn't see a single elementary schooler, so what was with the movie choice? I can understand if they don't want to show Basic Instinct (dark room + Sharon Stone's bajingo = too much temptation for some people), but I think we can eschew Hotel For Dogs and Hannah Montana: The Movie in the future, thanks. Although not Labyrinth, because that would be boss.
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